Direct Answers - Oct. 21

I need advice on how to get over a married man I have been seeing for six years. I fell deeply in love with him and he loves me, too. He is almost to the point of being obsessed with me.

I am tired of the charade. If he loves me like he says, then I want him with me not with someone else. He comes up with all kinds of excuses why he is still with her… “Now is not the right time. I’m working on it. I have to be sure it will work with us. I’m getting older and don’t want to be left with nobody.”

I want him to be here with me when things are going bad in my life. I want to spend holidays and vacations with him. I know I never will, but it hurts to lose him, so what am I to do?

I can’t go through life like this. What if I don’t find anyone else, then spend the rest of my life alone?

Cheryl

Cheryl, the easiest way to get over something that is not good for you is to shine a true light on it. You have been looking at this man through the lens of your own want, needs, loneliness, and desire. When you see him in the right light, you’ll realize the object of your desire is anything but desirable.

Who is this man? A guy who cheats on his wife and strings another woman along for six years, using the word “love” to trap her. If he loved you, he would want to make you his own and you wouldn’t be in this position. He is not obsessed with you. He is obsessed with himself and his own future.

He is like a fisherman who has caught two fish—you and his wife—and is still fishing. He has both of you hung over the side of his boat on a stringer, controlling your lives. He doesn’t know who he will keep in the end—you, her, or someone else. All he knows for sure is that he is not going to end up in your position.

For the last six years, you have been unavailable to available men because of a man who is himself unavailable. Your eyes have been closed to the possibilities around you. If you want to get married, if you want someone of your own, you need to look for someone who wants what you want.

The hurt you feel is from investing six years in a man who never married you. The pain you feel is from finally acknowledging your mistake, the wasted time and energy, the feelings of being used because the next steps never occurred.

Nothing good will happen for you until you trust that the happiness other people have found can be yours as well. You need to choose the uncertainty of the future over this known wrong.

Not long ago we received a note from a woman in Oregon. She wrote:

“People told me I was waiting for a fairy tale. So I lowered my standards and almost settled for something that wasn’t going to make me whole. I almost married the wrong man because I was lonely. I’m glad I listened to the warning signs and backed away.”

About the man she eventually married, she said: “People at our wedding commented on how different it was. They felt the sincerity of genuine love in the air. Neither of us has ever felt so whole in our entire lives.”

Cheryl, the way you get more in this life is by not settling for less. You have pinned your hopes on a liar and a cheater. He has kept you like a fish on a stringer. He doesn’t deserve another day of your time, or another moment of your trust.

Get off his stringer and set yourself free.

Wayne & Tamara

WayneAndTamara.com