Direct Answers - Dec. 2

Why do I want to stay in a relationship that makes me so unhappy?

I have been with my boyfriend for two years. Over the last few months the relationship has rapidly declined. We are spending less and less time together (his choice), and the time we do spend together we argue about the way he is treating me.

One minute he is loving and caring, the next cold and hurtful. His confusing behavior is causing me to act out of character. I feel I am turning into an emotional wreck.

My partner now says he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me because of my irrational behavior. He told me this two weeks after booking a family holiday to Spain for us and his parents, which he still plans to take us on.

Mornings are my weakest time. I end up phoning him only to be told to leave him alone. I must be crazy because I still want to work things out with him. Yet I know there is no chance.

I need to hold things together for the sake of my three children from a previous marriage. I want to be free of the emotional turmoil and start to rebuild my life.

Sabrina

Sabrina, it doesn't matter whether your boyfriend is acting from some diabolical plan, treats everyone this way, or is completely clueless about other people's feelings. The end result is the same. Pain and confusion.

With three children, you probably feel your options are limited. But think about what you are showing them.

It is not right to manipulate others this way, or to allow yourself to be manipulated. Show your children what is right. Start building a life without him.

Wayne

Alice In Wonderland

I am having great difficulty understanding this.

My husband had an affair that lasted a year and a half. He said he met with this woman in a parking lot about a dozen times, less than 20 minutes each time. Once they met at a hotel for drinks, which led to her asking him to get a room. He says they had sex a total of five times.

This woman is a mutual friend of ours. She wanted to meet my husband to discuss divorce because he had been divorced prior to our marriage. He says she was the sexual aggressor.

We have been in therapy and he is also seeing a hypnotist. My husband says his infidelity was caused by: fear of losing me, fear he didn't measure up to men in my past, and mid-life crisis. He believes he never wanted to be unfaithful and was torturing himself. So do the therapist and hypnotist.

My husband realizes some aspects of true love were missing, but he always loved me. I love him, yet I am having difficulty getting over the pain this has caused.

Do you think there is a way I may be able to understand?

Carol Ann

Carol Ann, you are confused. So are we. It's fear, mid-life crisis, he's torturing himself, it's the other woman's fault, it only happened a few times, there were aspects of true love missing, and the hypnotist and therapist agree with him.

Listening to your husband's explanations is like sitting down to tea with the Mad Hatter. No matter how hard you try, it's difficult to have an intelligent conversation. You would have to throw out your common sense and true feelings.

Your husband is skirting the truth and not taking responsibility for his actions. He is throwing out a variety of excuses, hoping you will find one you like and accept. He hasn't owned up to what he has done.

You can't do a thing until he does.

Even though you are outnumbered three to one, don't doubt yourself. You will never understand life down the rabbit hole.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Age Difference Relationships, When Is the Gap Insurmountable, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.