Direct Answers - Jan. 13

I am a 17-year-old male. I have been dating a 16-year-old girl for three months. I am sure we are both totally in love, but I am confused on a few things. First, let me say I know we are too young and too new at the relationship thing to just jump into sex. I realize this.

About a month ago we had a talk. She wondered why we never messed around and feared I didn't find her attractive. I had kissed her on the lips, but I never really kissed her. So I told her the truth. She is beautiful! I wasn't sure we were ready, and I'm clueless about relationships.

I said she could drop some hints, or even take the lead if she wanted. I am not talking sex, just messing around. I know the dangers well, so if something did happen I would know how to be protected. But anyway, why would we need to do that? It should be something we both want and not a "just because" thing. Don't get me wrong. I am ready, I just have no idea how to do it, or what to do even if she lets me.

Will she stop me if she doesn't want to go any farther? I would do nothing to hurt her or degrade her in any way. Why force something that isn't meant to be? That would just ruin it for both of us. We have signed notes "with love," but haven't said the words in person. I guess I'm confused over her signals. Will the signs be clear-cut and bright as day, or will I have to look deeper than that?

Chris

Chris, the answer is all over your letter. It isn't time yet. We aren't dismissing your feelings, though many adults would dismiss the idea young people are capable of genuine love. Yet these same adults know their children truly love them and other people important in their lives.

Feeling love, falling in love, sharing love doesn't happen on a timetable. You haven't even verbally expressed your feelings to each other. You don't know each other yet on a deep level. You don't yet know her plans, her desires, her moods, her hopes, her dreams. Intimacy takes time. It is not as simple as taking apart an engine. Sex without intimacy is a cheat. It is like being given the answers to a test without having the understanding behind the answers.

You can't hurry what is right. Love will not disappear. It will be there when you are ready. Give yourselves the opportunity to really know each other, and the signs will be clear as day.

Wayne

Address Unknown

I want to know how to go about finding the right man to marry?

Tally

Tally, your letter came from Nairobi, but it could have come from anywhere because on the inside we are all the same.

A book on childrearing cannot teach you to love a baby. A business start-up manual will not tell you what career you will enjoy for a lifetime. A book offering techniques for finding a husband cannot give you love, or teach you to feel that deepest connection. No one can give you a recipe, like how to bake a cake, that will get you love.

Finding the right man will happen out of living your life. Be yourself, be open, and do what is in you to do. Schemes and devices will impede you. They will keep you from being honest. They will keep you from being yourself, and love will take any list of criteria you have and throw it out the window.

Marriage will happen when it happens. It will come out of love. It won't create love, out of love will come marriage. Be yourself, be open, and do what is in you to do.

Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of The Friendship Solution, Making Friends and Dropping Frenemies, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.