Direct Answers

I just found an old boyfriend I dated when I was 14. Tom has been married now for 10 years. Happily, I might add. He told me so. My problem is his wife hates me.

When my husband and I are at this couple's house, she acts fine in front of him, but when he leaves the room, she makes remarks about us leaving. When he returns, she says, "You don't have to leave. We're not pushing you out."

My thinking was to get to know him all over again, and her also. I have to admit Tom has asked inappropriate questions, like when he asked me if I would pop up somewhere with just a long coat on. Or the time he mentioned my breasts and said, "Where did you get those?" His wife laughed and said we are the same size.

One thing, though, she has implants and I don't. We were at a bar and because it's such a long drive home, Tom thoughtfully invited us to spend the night at their house. She said she just put clean sheets in the spare bedroom, but when we got there, she made it known we were not welcome.

All my life I grew up with other girls not liking me, and the married ones don't want me around their husbands. I'm very religious and would never commit adultery. I don't even look at Tom that way.

Years ago when we dated, I was shy, and he intimidated me. Now I speak right up, and it's nice for a change. All three of us get along, it's her I don't know what to do about. I am having nightmares because it is bothering me so much.

Gale

Gale, in the "The Shawshank Redemption," a convict named Andy Dufresne is serving life for two murders he didn't commit. When Andy comes across evidence which will clear him, he tells the warden.

The warden is a corrupt man who is using the prison to line his own pockets. He pretends not to understand. He will never free Andy because Andy knows about his dirty dealings. Exasperated, Andy blurts out, "Are you being deliberately obtuse?"

You, too, are being deliberately obtuse. Are you that bored with your own marriage? The truth is, you want this flirtation and the thrill of pursuit, and you don't care what that does to this woman's marriage.

Gale, you are standing in your living room pouring gasoline on the carpet and chairs. What we say may not make a difference, but if you are asking for our permission to strike a match, the answer is no.

Wayne & Tamara

Self-Deception

I've been married twice before, once at 17 and again at 23. I got married for the wrong reasons. I'm now 33 and have been in a relationship for two years with a woman, 29. My girlfriend has said from the beginning that she wants to get married.

I told her from the beginning I was never getting married again. Recently she's been bringing it up, and I'm too scared to say I don't want to marry her. It breaks my heart to see her cry. Do I tell her the truth, even though I know it will hurt her?

Stefan

Stefan, two years ago she said she wanted marriage, and you warned her you didn't. You each made your position perfectly clear, and you each ignored the other person's position. Instead of breaking up, you continued forward and got intimately involved.

You each deceived the other, trying to get what you wanted. You each deceived yourself by pretending you didn't hear what the other person desired. These two years haven't made much difference in what you want, but they make a great deal of difference in what she wants. It's not enough to speak honestly. You must act honestly.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, What Infidelity Does to the Victim, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.