Name That Tune

Ihave been married to a wonderfully grounded woman for nine years, and we have two young children. The problem? My mother-in-law lives from crisis to crisis. She claims to have a "plan," but it is always wrong, and my wife and I are constantly picking up the pieces.

A one-year experiment of her living with us became a stressful five-year stay. We are financially stable, but our oldest child is a special needs child who is draining our financial resources at a healthy clip. When our second child was born, we gave my mother-in-law an ultimatum, and she moved into a house with a female roommate 15 minutes away.

The arrangement lasted two years before the roommate had enough and booted her. She then traveled to California with my wife's older sister and her family. That arrangement didn't last six weeks. According to our family in California, she showed more interest in her hair curlers than in her grandchildren.

My wife's mother is well-educated and in good health. Her first love is writing. She has been working on her "masterpiece" for 25 years, and I am sure it will never be submitted to a publisher. She refuses to pursue financially rewarding work but is a great talker. If paid by the spoken word, she'd have more money than Bill Gates.

If my mother-in-law knows there's a safety net, she'll use it. My wife knows this, too, but ultimately, she feels obligated to be her mother's savior. I've given plenty of warning in the past by saying that if preventable "situation X" recurs, I will not be a party to it. Sure enough, situation X repeats itself, and I'm asked to drop everything and provide a solution at the last minute.

Just yesterday, my mother-in-law enlisted our help in moving again. She didn't ask until the moving deadline was less than 48 hours away. I want to support my wife, but I can no longer condone her mother's behavior. The one blessing is that my marriage is on a solid foundation.

Nathan

Nathan, the one idea throughout all life is that behavior has consequences, whether it's heaven and hell, karma and rebirth, running a prison, or teaching a child. When behavior doesn't have consequences, disorder prevails.

As long as your mother-in-law doesn't bear the consequences of her behavior, you and your wife will. The problem is this. Your wife feels obligated to meet her mother's demands, whether legitimate or not, and your mother-in-law is a master at pushing her daughter's buttons.

In her book "Emotional Blackmail," Susan Forward writes, "Every time we capitulate to emotional blackmail, we lose contact with our integrity, the inner compass that helps us determine what our values and behavior should be." This is why you feel you have had enough of your mother-in-law's behavior.

Children learn by being given responsibility and suffering consequences when they don't act responsibly. But your mother-in-law, a grandmother, isn't learning anything. All these years, she has been getting away with it.

Your mother-in-law doesn't feel bad about the repercussions to you. She is like a gambler gambling with someone else's money. She is like a teenager whose parents bail her out of every situation. The fewer the repercussions to her, the more destructive and thoughtless her actions can be.

In the television show Name That Tune, contestants compete to name a tune in the fewest notes. That is also the key to understanding people who manipulate us. When we can name a manipulator's tune from the first few notes, we can stop their controlling behavior the instant it begins.

The book "Emotional Blackmail" teaches the blackmailer's tunes. It is the perfect antidote for people who feel lost in pleasing others.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne and Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men, which are available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.