Time Enough

I am 36 and exclusively dating someone, 41, for almost a year now. I feel, given our age, we should have enough experience to know whether we would like to pursue a serious relationship. When I ask my boyfriend about a future commitment, which means he wants me in his future and is committed to making it work, his response is, "Let's take it slow."

Frankly, I don't know how much slower I can take it. I am not insinuating marriage or even living together. I would like to know if he is committed to the possibility of a life together. What is a reasonable period for someone to know if they are willing to commit to the level I described?

I understand everyone works on a different time clock, but when does time run out? He will only share that he loves me if I ask him. I am a patient, caring, loving, smart woman with much to offer. I love this man, but I am realistic and will not wait forever.

Sara

Sara, Einstein explained relativity to his long-time secretary by saying that sitting with a pretty girl passes like a minute while sitting on a hot stove passes like an hour. Einstein's relative time is unlike clock time, which passes in regular, unvarying beats.

But no matter how one measures time, you and your boyfriend have been together long enough for him to know what he feels. He wants to slow time to a stop. He is satisfied with what he has. You are trying to move time forward to a wedding.

There is a third kind of time, psychological time. In psychological time, the time is always now. If your boyfriend truly loved you, his feelings would always bubble to the surface. He couldn't help himself. He would tell you he loves you and always wants to be with you.

If you approach the subject directly, you are afraid he will say no. But approaching the topic roundabout will likely cause him to take advantage of you. He gets the point, even if he pretends not to.

Say where you want your relationship to go and insist on his answer. It is better to get a no now than to wait one, three, or five years for the same answer.

Wayne & Tamara

A Bird In Hand

Your answers to people's problems make interesting reading and seem quite sensible. You will probably think that my question is not so sensible, though. But it is my problem, so here goes.

I am 63 years old. I have met a 32-year-old lesbian. I am heterosexual. She is lovely, and we get on so well. She says she loves me. I know I love her. We haven't dated beyond having dinner at a restaurant several times. Should I take a step to encourage her or give up?

I take rejection personally. If she rejects me, we might not be friends anymore, and I will lose the "love of my life."

Andrew

Andrew, often, when friends are of the opposite sex, one party wants to make the relationship more than friendship.

It's a little like the song "Love the One You're With." It would be inconceivable for you to go trolling for a date in a lesbian bar, but because this woman is your friend and you have a relationship, it's conceivable that you could want more. She's here. I want someone, so why can't I love the one I'm with? Your feelings aren't unusual, but she has a different orientation.

If you are truly friends, you will know whether or not you should say something. As with any friendship, you don't say or do anything to hurt a friend. That's a measure of your love for her.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.