Deaf Ears

Our daughter, 29, is trying to decide whether to give her ex-boyfriend another chance. After a two year relationship, he cheated on her with his ex-girlfriend. He said he had to find out if his ex was the one. A year later his ex cheated on him, and he went back to our daughter and asked for a second chance.

Our daughter was devastated by his infidelity. It was heartbreaking. We sent her to counseling for months. We are distraught about her giving this man a second chance. In her loneliness she is caught in the myth of getting older and doubting there will ever be someone else.

Our daughter's friends agree he is not her equal in education, manners, or maturity, though he is good-looking. She says she forgave him, but she admits trust is the issue. She tells us, "I have tried, but no one else even looks at me twice."

She knows we distrust him. The timing of his return is mostly a reaction to his ex-girlfriend doing to him what he did to our daughter. She wants to recover what was, but we believe it cannot be. We don't want to control her future, but the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater" rings in our minds.

Tom & Kate

Tom & Kate, your daughter might be willing to break off with this man if you could give her the exact date and time the right man will show up. But since you cannot give her that, she won't believe it can happen.

Often when a woman clings to an inappropriate man, there is one thing about the man which is a peg she can hang her hat on. Most commonly that peg is physical attractiveness. Your daughter pictures herself entering a room on his arm. That allows her to ignore his cheating, though it also makes him attractive to other women.

Your letter tells us how much you love your daughter. All you can do is be there for her. Whatever rational reasons you give her for ending the relationship will go unheeded because her irrational fear is telling her it is him or no one. Faced with a life alone, with no other man ever, she clings to a man who cheated on her and feeds her low self-esteem.

Wayne & Tamara

No Prize

I had a five month relationship with a gentleman and thought we were oddly made for each other. He would call me every morning and sing to me over the phone while I walked the dog. When he took me out to dinner, he brought me small plants or flowers.

Last Saturday while in my bathroom he got a call from someone, obviously a woman by the tone in his voice. He tells her he is washing his hands and will call her back when he is free, meaning when he is out of my house. The lie falls from his lips so easily I am shocked. He comes out of the bathroom and grabs my hand to walk him to his car. As we leave the house, I say, "Don't forget to call her back." He says, "Oh, that was just some real estate lady."

He kisses me like he's my uncle. When I ask why the perfunctory kiss, he says he doesn't know. Did I not read the signs correctly? I haven't heard from him since.

Faith

Faith, maybe you missed the early signs, but calling the relationship "oddly" right suggests you sensed something was amiss. The blitzkrieg pursuit may have felt like he was trying to accomplish something rather than express something which came naturally.

Trusting your natural instincts led you to confront him. He disappeared. You hit the nail on the head. Many women would have let that go by, hoping to win him like a Kewpie doll. You knew better.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.