Pattern Recognition

I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. When our relationship began, I was completely dedicated to him, and he was a complete jerk who fooled around with me more than three times. We both realized it was because we never communicated.

Since then we've become best friends and built a strong relationship. However he ogles other women while I'm with him, and it hurts. During one of the times we were broken up, he allowed me to read his journal which explained what he thinks about when he checks out other women's body parts. He wrote he would love to fool around with them and see how they feel.

I am an extremely attractive girl. I feel insulted when I'm dressed up and he checks out less attractive girls who are just wearing jeans with their hair thrown in a ponytail. When I say something about it, he makes it seem like I made it all up. He yells at me as if I have done something wrong.

He talks about marrying me after we graduate from college next year, but I'm not sure. Am I overreacting and paranoid, or is he lying when he says he is sure about us?

Nicole

Nicole, how do you make a smart woman feel stupid? By calling her stupid and paying attention to women who aren't as smart as she is. How do you make a woman tolerate physical abuse? By diminishing her self-esteem and making her feel she deserves the treatment she receives. How do you make an attractive woman doubt herself? Read your letter.

Imagine we introduced you to a man in boots wearing a Stetson hat, with a kerchief around his neck and chaps over his jeans. You look closely at the man and see his hands are callused and his face weather-beaten. Then we ask, "Do you think this man is a hairdresser or a rancher?"

You would tell us he is a rancher, and you would be right. How did you know? Because you have a pattern built up in your mind of what a rancher looks like and what a hairdresser looks like. Patterns like this are called heuristics, and accurate heuristics help us navigate through life.

Now think about the couples you know who are closest to each other, who never undermine each other, and who genuinely love each other. Some of these couples may be your age, some may be your parents' age, and some may be your grandparents' age. These couples form a heuristic for you. They illustrate the pattern of love.

That is not the pattern of your relationship. There is no reason for you to settle for your boyfriend. You know what you want, you know what you need, and you know this man cannot give it to you. Why not? Because he does not fit the heuristic you have in your mind of what love looks and feels like. He fits the heuristic of a man who is still looking.

Wayne & Tamara

An Innocent Man

I always thought life was about karma. I wonder if there is a direct correlation between my past and thinking my husband, who is not the man I cheated on, is cheating. I am sorry for what I did, and in my heart, I love my husband and know he is faithful.

Hannah

Hannah, you haven't gotten your comeuppance yet, so subconsciously you think your husband is cheating. That might end your marriage, and you would get the punishment you deserve.

Karma doesn't mean the bad thing you did must happen to you. Once you've realized what you did was wrong and grown from it, the cycle is at an end. If your kind of karma ruled the universe, it would have you divorce a blameless man to marry an unfaithful one. That sort of unconscious reasoning would only punish the innocent man.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.