Upside Down, Inside Out

I'm in my mid-30s, with a huge problem concerning an ex-girlfriend. This girl I loved and still do. There was a horrible breakup. I haven't spoken to her in a year, but not a day goes by I don't think of her.

The breakup was due to my lack of commitment. She wanted marriage and children, and I dragged my feet. We were only together a year and a half, but she wanted to speed things along and I just could not give her what she wanted. After we parted we remained friends. We hung out or went out to dinner, but there was no sex or romance.

I was sad and didn't know why. I finally came to my senses and realized I was throwing my life away by letting this girl go. I decided I was going to get her that ring. I told her I was sorry for pushing her away and even cried. She was not sympathetic. The deadline had passed. She was in a new relationship and completely gone emotionally.

I felt betrayed. Words cannot explain the pain. My love turned to hate. In my mind, we were never just friends. She felt bad, but in her words, "There is nothing I can do." During the two months we spent as friends, I noticed spite, animosity, and a touch of anger, which was very uncharacteristic of her. But at the time I was just relieved I did not have to marry her.

After the initial stages, she bore no grudge. She wanted to be friends and bury what happened, and she had no problem switching me to a friend like nothing happened.

Now she is married. I would like to talk to her one last time for my benefit. I would forgive her if she acknowledged what she did to me, but how do you forgive someone who never sought forgiveness?

Benjamin

Benjamin, someone loaned you a car to use for a year and a half. Then they wanted you to either buy the car or give it back. After using it for a year and a half, you gave it back. And now you hate them.

That's what it is. You've turned this around in your mind, and you are not going to heal until you realize you have reversed reality. You were relieved you did not have to marry her. That was your first reaction. That was your genuine reaction. That reaction is not love.

Now that she's moved on and has what she couldn't get from you, you hate her. Your anger is based on second thoughts. You don't have anyone now, and she does.

The only way to make this right in your mind is to see the reality of the situation. If you call or write her, she may experience not only anger but pleasure that you're feeling the pain you inflicted on her. Before your relationship ended, she must have felt what C. S. Lewis wrote in "Till We Have Faces": "You grow more and more a stranger to me at each word, and I had loved you so."

Wayne & Tamara

No Sale

My husband is a disc jockey at a local bar. While he was working, this woman asked him to go for coffee at her house. He said, "No, I can't. I have to work." But he didn't tell her he's married. She stormed out calling him names. Should I be worried about my husband stepping out on me?

Judy

Judy, when a man gives a woman the brush-off without using his marriage as an excuse, he's given her the coldest of cold shoulders. When that woman walks away calling him names, she's felt the frost. We wouldn't worry. Your husband doesn't need to use you as an excuse to tell other women he's not interested.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.