Unadulterated Truth

Last night I was going through a bunch of old stuff when I came across a lockbox. I'd never seen it before, and it was locked. Keys were hanging on a hook. I found the key and opened it to find a bunch of love letters to my husband.

In it was a picture of a woman. She was black and my husband and I are both white. I was shocked I knew who this woman was. His parents would never have approved. I shut the box and went back to cleaning, only to find another lockbox.

I opened it and found letters and cards from this same woman covering 14 years of our marriage. They professed her love for him and the times they spent together. I was devastated. He cheated on her almost our entire married life.

Her husband died three years ago. In her final letter to my husband, she wrote she felt used by my husband. She has since remarried and moved to London. I also found cards from another woman dated in the same period. Either she had an affair with my husband or a large infatuation. I lay awake in bed last night wanting to kill my husband. I am consumed with anger, hate, and disappointment.

I wish nothing but ill for him and his tramps. I don't know what to do. Has he ever loved me? In less than a year our bills will be paid. I don't want a divorce. Do I contact the other woman and let her know I know about her and my husband's affair? Oh, the one with the infatuation? I already took care of her. She runs every time she sees me.

I've been a good wife. I am an attractive woman. What can I do to keep him from cheating again?

Marjorie

Marjorie, you question whether your husband ever loved you, and you don't want a divorce. So what does marriage mean to you? Love? A connection that nothing can break? Or financial security?

Keep your anger focused where it belongs. This man has marital vows with you. None of his women do. You don't know what he said to encourage, hold, and maintain a relationship with them. If his family had approved, he may have married another.

He should feel shame for continuing a relationship with a woman he was not willing to stand up for. That proves his lack of character. That same lack of character allowed him to marry you and continue other relationships. No surprise that there is yet another woman waiting in the wings.

You cannot defend your marriage against every other woman on the planet. The only way you can defend your marriage is by dealing with the man you married. How much easier is it to confront him than to confront all the other women he might come in contact with?

It's him, not other women, you have issues with. If he can cheat on you, while you are attractive and healthy, can you believe he would stay with you when you are ill or disabled?

Just because one person, you, wants this relationship to continue, it does not mean the relationship will continue. Your husband can end the marriage at any time. Whatever financial or emotional control you have over him may be outweighed by another. That's why we say, without fidelity, there is no security.

He has cheated on you throughout your marriage. Asking him to stop cheating is like asking the leopard to change its spots.

What is in your best interest? Can you live a lifetime doubting if you have ever been truly loved? The decision is not how to make the leopard change his spots. The decision is whether you give your life over to the leopard.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.