Missing Ingredient

I am writing from the UK to thank you for the first bit of advice that has ever made sense to me.

I have lived for many years with a "good" man who has provided me financial security and the sort of life I dreamed of living. Unfortunately, I knew that although I cared about him and we had similar interests and life values, I didn't truly love him. I spent the best part of 20 years trying to make this marriage work. I perfected the art of being a wife, mother, and lover. The truth, though, was always just beneath the surface.

He loves me deeply, but at the same time has always chosen to do what he wants, when he wants, with no compromises. I stupidly tried all sorts of ways to make the relationship what I wanted it to be, becoming a doormat, and eventually becoming depressed. I managed to kick myself out of depression and started studying and creating a new life for myself.

However, the habit of being in a relationship is hard to kick, and I find myself trying to repeat my original mistake by thinking I can awaken love and sexual interest in my husband for the sake of the children and everything we have built together. What I really want is to have a life of my own and maybe someday finding someone I truly know I love.

The answers you have provided to other distressed people have helped me see what I have been doing to myself and to him. I've always listened to others' advice that staying together is best, but the truth is, it is if you are with the right person, and it is not, if you're not. I realize now a relationship can be addictive even if the goodies are poisoning you. Thank you again.

Suzanne

Suzanne, most people say "thank you" many times each week, but there is a huge difference between saying thank you and feeling gratitude. There is a much larger difference between doing what we are supposed to in a relationship and experiencing love.

Wayne & Tamara

My Daughter

I am divorced. Visitation with my daughter has been a nightmare. My ex-wife takes me to court twice a year trying everything she can to keep me from seeing my child. I thought this would pass. We are both remarried, but this behavior of hers continues.

There is absolutely no legitimate reason why I shouldn't be able to have a relationship with my daughter. To make matters worse, the judge is a female with a reputation as a man-hater. It's always the same thing in the courtroom; my ex-wife puts on the "poor pitiful me" show every time. I'm tired of wasting money on attorney's fees, not to mention being ordered to pay hers.

Marc

Marc, your ex-wife is attempting to erase you from her past. She is acting as if your child is hers with another man.

There are several things you can do short of paying more to an attorney. First, maintain a consistent attempt to see your daughter. Send cards, make calls, and show up. That accomplishes two things: it shows your determined mindset, and it may wear down your ex-wife and her new husband into letting you have reasonable visits.

Second, make sure your daughter knows how much you want to be in her life. Start a scrapbook and keep it in a positive light. Record memories of your visits with her, save copies of the cards you send and pictures of gifts you give. Take pictures on visits.

What our children most want is proof that we have never stopped loving them and never stopped wanting to be in their lives. What your daughter will most value in the future is the knowledge that you have been rooting for her all of her life.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.