Regrets

I've been married 15 years and have a wonderful husband and two children. About a year and a half before I married I was seeing a man I wanted to fall in love with me. The first time I slept with him he said, "I'm set in my ways, and I like my freedom."

I kept hoping he didn't mean what he said, but eight months later our shallow relationship ended. After my marriage I would bump into him periodically--it's a small community--and he said, "Out of all the girls I've been with, and there's been a lot, you're the only one I think I could have had a future with."

Whenever he talks to my mother, he asks how I am. When I see him, he always says what stupid things he's done with his life. He never married. In November I saw him at a party and we talked. I could tell he is pining. It's almost painful to watch.

Now I can't stop thinking of him. As a catharsis, I decided to write him a letter. The letter talks about our relationship, my feelings now, and says I will always think of him though I need to get on with my life. Should I give him the letter?

Jan

Jan, when you dated this man, what was the reality? He was not going to give you a wedding or children.

In hindsight people have regrets, but regrets are not love and he didn't have the requisite love for you. Life passed him by, and young women are no longer parading through his bedroom. He fantasizes if he had you, his life would be different.

That's the key to a disastrous life--focusing on a past event and wishing it had been otherwise. He's like the man in the casino who feeds a slot machine for three hours and walks away, only to learn the next person won a huge jackpot on "his" machine. Years later he's still imagining what he would have done with the money.

Burn the letter. He wants you to rescue his past, and that's not something you can do.

Wayne & Tamara

No Laughing Matter

I am thinking of divorce. My husband has become increasingly mean, unappreciative, and ugly. He lashes out over the smallest things and blames me for everything. We both work full-time and take night classes. We are under stress, but I am sick of using that as an excuse.

Several weeks ago we went to dinner with another couple. As we left the house my husband carried a box to the car, and I held the door open for him. One of our dogs squeezed past and ran into the yard.

We were trying to get him back in the house when my husband stepped in dog poop. He didn't notice it until we arrived at the restaurant. It was a small area smashed into the tip of his shoe. He went to the bathroom to wash it off and came back to the table so angry.

He told me if I hadn't let the dog out, he wouldn't have stepped in it. It was my fault. He embarrassed me in front of the other couple and people at nearby tables. He was so mean everyone felt uncomfortable the rest of the evening.

This type of thing happens almost every day. I don't know how much more I can take. I've made compromises and every effort to change my ways to please him, but nothing works.

Michelle

Michelle, Steve Martin did a comedy routine about two swinging Czech guys in stripped shirts and checkered pants. In their "native land" a breakup is accomplished by saying, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee. I throw dog poopie on your shoes."

You've already done the dog poop. Now say the words.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, iTunes, and booksellers everywhere.